Author: ejamienyc

It’s no secret that things happen to me that don’t seem to happen to other people. I just am THAT LUCKY.  It’s been that way my whole life. In high school these things were commonly known as Erin Stories, and if by some rare chance, something bizarre happened to someone else, it was instantly classified as an Erin Story.

This morning was no different.

I was running some errands before work, picking up some things for a wedding shower lunch later today. My car was packed full of stuff –  computer, large purse, a large stuffed animal yet to be returned to the store, a pair of flip flops, a car seat, a cooler, flowers in a box, another massive empty box. Said empty box was because I had actually prepared ahead of time to put the flowers in the box so they wouldn’t fall/get ruined while being transported (we all know I drive like Junior). But the awesome florist already had them in a box for me, and I had nowhere to put the empty one. Why not my trunk, you ask? Because it was stuffed full of dog beds and dog food because the two psychotic dogs are being boarded tonight because we have Edith and if they aren’t boarded they might sit on her head and smoosh her.

I had one errand left to go: picking up the cupcakes.  I got them fairly quickly, as I’d already ordered and paid ahead. Walk back out to car, box balanced in one hand, phone and keys and purse in other. Unlock car, promptly drop phone. Look at ground. No phone. Wait what? I peek under my car, no phone. Peek under car next to me, no phone.

At this point I would not have been surprised if my head spun 180 degrees, Exorcist style. I was running late, had a low tire warning (and even tho I have run flats I still get majorly wigged out by low tires), low gas tank, and now my phone had apparently been swallowed whole by a mysterious force.  I somehow unlock my car, and get the cupcakes securely stored in the cooler I’d also had the foresight to bring (anyone who knows me knows that foresight is not one of my strengths).

I then take a closer look under both cars. And there is my phone. Under the car next to mine. Not just right under it, that would be too easy. Smack in the middle underneath it. Not close to one side or the other.  I stand back up completely baffled. I can’t call anyone, because, yeah, my phone is under this lime green Neon (seriously). I see no one around.

UGH. So I drop to the ground, IN MY DRESS, and lay flat on my stomach. I scoot my top half somewhat under the car, and manage to reach and reach and get my phone. Just as I have my hands on it, the wind blows. And I’m in a dress. And the wind blows. And I’m in a parking lot exposed to one of the busiest shopping centers in Knoxville. And there was a yard crew working on the curbside appeal. Not even kidding.  And my dress was not covering what it was meant to cover.

I popped up in the fastest and best Burpee form I have ever managed (all those workout sessions have paid off I guess).  At this point I’m sweating, my knees and thighs are black with parking lot grime – BUT I GOT MY PHONE! I stand there laughing, because what else can a girl do?  I have images of the shopping center security team watching all this go down on their little closed circuit TVs, at least I provided some comic relief.

The day has improved. There will be cupcakes. I may be filthy, but there will be cupcakes.

Do the morning hours just evaporate for other people too? Or is it just me?

Y’ALL. I was up at 4:10am and didn’t make it to the office until just before 10am. That’s nearly SIX hours!

I was up this morning at 4:10am. Went to 5am workout, came home and was out of the shower before 7. Made the bed. Did the makeup and The Hair.  I did have to paint my toes, but that seriously only took about eight minutes.  I made a smoothie – which is fast bc I have it down to a science. It took me a nanosecond to get dressed since it is the time of year that I live in a dress and sandals. I tossed some celery, almonds and LaCroix’s into Eileen’s adorable monogrammed lunch tote that she never used (so at the office I answer to Erin OR Eileen, and for any AXO’s reading, I’ve clearly become accustomed to answer to just about any and all names starting with “E”).

That was it; the dogs had already been fed and been outside. Eileen was at Josh and Sarah’s, so I didn’t have to nag her all morning.

Yet it was 8:50 before I was ready to go.  I mean, I know I’m not the fastest when it comes to The Hair and makeup, that’s what happens when you grow up in Memphis, these things matter, (Cheech & Brian I know you are nodding your heads in agreement with that statement) – but I mean, come on, I am not THAT slow/vein!

So Sarah dropped off Eileen, and I was taking her out to Mrs. H’s house (where Eileen gets to spend most of the day swimming with her best friends, but does have to do her summer math and reading – SCORE!).

I think this is the point where the major time-suck started.

The plan was to run by the grocery store to grab some food for Mini to have for the week at Mrs. H’s.  We got in the car only to discover the doors won’t lock. Which isn’t necessarily a big deal, except for the fact that I refuse to drive around with unlocked doors.  (I may or may not have had a fleeting thought of “oh goodie! something is broken and the warranty is expired, maybe I get a new car!”). We fiddle with testing doors and trunks and locks. I was just about to try to overcome my paranoia and drive with unlocked doors- but we figured out the only door we hadn’t tested wasn’t actually shut, which apparently means the doors won’t lock. #goodtoknow

We went to Publix because it was closer than Kroger.  We grabbed watermelon, some Lunchables (Leah, I hear you yelling at me), some GoGurts and some sliced turkey and apples for me). Oh, and a Publix cooler bag since we don’t already have seven of those sitting at home/in Bill’s truck where they do no good because they are always at home or in Bill’s truck.  This quick trip around the store didn’t seem to take long, but that’s probably one of those places they pump drugs into the air so you stay longer and spend more money, right?

We go to self check-out. I should just know better. I mean – it’s ME. It’s ME and TECHNOLOGY. This is never a good plan. Things were going along fine until we got to the apples.  Just put on the scale, punch in the code, and go, right? HAHAHAHA. No. No, in our case, Mini and I tried it 2x and failed, so the helper guy came over. He tried it FOUR times. FOUR. No dice. He calls over the manager. At this point I tell them – hey- no biggie -I can skip the apples this trip.  Apparently I had the most determined manager known to man. She tried it four MORE times – each time a different way. Then she runs away- at which point I think to myself – eh, lets just forgo the freakin apples and continue checking out. But of course the manager has locked the little screen and I can’t do anything without her super secret access code. She finally figures out a solution and the apples ring up.

FOR SEVEN DOLLARS AND FORTY NINE CENTS. What? TWO APPLES? not organic. not made of gold. yeah, they’re Honeycrisp and they’re on the larger side as far as apples go, BUT SEVEN DOLLARS? (and we wonder why this country is so FAT, who the hell can afford to eat well if two stupid apples are almost ten bucks!?!?) We’re finally done and on our way.

At this point I don’t even know what time it is. I’m pretty the sure the Apple incident lasted 45 minutes (#sarcasmfont). Off we go! I was super proud of myself because I remembered that one of the main roads was closed from 9-3 for storm damage pickup, but then again I wasn’t going that way anyway, but I still remembered. But said closed road made for extra traffic on the way I WAS going. And by extra traffic, I mean extra traffic PLUS I got stuck behind every delivery truck West of Campbell Station road.  The ones that drive about 11 miles an hour. SHOOT ME NOW.

We finally make it there. I was tempted to slow down and let Eileen roll out of the car, but a friend of mine did that a couple of weeks ago and it didn’t end well (#truestory).

Got her dropped her off, but of course I forgot to give her the watermelon I’d bought her (because duh, that cancels out the Lunchable).  Back to the traffic. And more delivery trucks…

I finally made it to the office. Where I did run into Sissy, who gave me a dress! I thought, ok! this day will be ok!

And then I came into the office, flying around one corner only to have walked smack into a shoot. I’m sure they appreciated that – but at least my hair looked good! So then I came around flying around the OTHER corner.. where I ran into a line of interns getting their badge photos made.  SWEET! I’ll be eternally etched into some poor twenty-something’s badge photo.

Since it took me six hours to get to the office, it should at least me memorialized somewhere, right?

If you don’t what “I carried a watermelon” is from, we can’t be friends.

I was 12 when Dirty Dancing came out, and I saw it in the theater. I had the soundtrack on cassette, and I’m fairly certain I played the tape (yes, the actual physical TAPE) to the point that it broke.  It is one of those movies that was an instant classic – in the vein of Ferris Bueller and Goonies – I am not actually comparing Dirty Dancing to to the likes of North by Northwest or Gone with the Wind.

So now, many many MANY years later, there is a Broadway Musical version of Dirty Dancing. OHMAGAWDYAAAAAAS.  This is every 1980’s tween girls dream come true (sidebar: there was no such thing as a tween in the late 80’s, but that’s what I was).  And since our Scruffy Little City is pretty cool, the show made it’s way to our beloved Tennessee Theatre. And I, of course,  made my way to the show with friends in tow.

Now, like I said,  this movie is a classic as far as the campy, cheesy, romantic dramatic life-lesson movie it is meant to be. One would expect the musical version is meant to be the same.  One does not go to the Dirty Dancing musical and expect it to be the caliber of an Italian Opera. Only no one told some of the audience members this.

We went to the Sunday evening show. We were surrounded by…how shall I put this… people much older than we are (and we’re not exactly spring chickens ourselves).  I can’t figure out why they were there, because they didn’t seem to be enjoying themselves or have any appreciation for the show.

Maybe they didn’t realize what Dirty Dancing was? I’m guessing they don’t flip through the TV channels and sit down mesmerized every time they come across an airing of Dirty Dancing? I’m guessing they don’t know the script word for word. I’m guessing they didn’t mourn Jennifer Grey’s botched nose job and they certainly didn’t mourn Patrick Swayze’s passing. They probably don’t get a thrill every time someone says “Nobody puts Baby in a corner!” and they didn’t spend hours of their summers trying to do The Lift in the neighborhood pool.  Maybe they were actually expecting the Italian Opera and the reverence it deserves?

Maybe these are the cultured people who have season tickets to the theataah. 

And then there was us.

The six of us who are certainly not the shy and quiet kids, the six of us who laugh and love and enjoy a cocktail, the six of us who want to SING ALONG TO THE SONGS. And who cheer and laugh at the hilarious on-stage adaptations, who give a “whoop whoop” when there’s a kick-ass dance move or one of the cast members nails a song, who giggle yet support the blond guy on stage who is trying desperately to BE Swayze and the amazing actress who nailed the talent show rehearsal scene.  The six of us determined to have fun and relive our tween moments, and yes, when Johnny comes running down the aisles of the Tennessee Theatre for the Last Scene, we are going to love it. I mean, come ON.

I’m still baffled by the evening.  I make it sound like we’re heathens, of course we aren’t. We know how to behave and be respectful, but this was not the show that required Cotillion behavior.  It was a complete clash of viewers – which marred the experience a bit for me.

Bottom line, if Dirty Dancing comes to your town – GO AS FAST AS YOU CAN.

And dear readers, just remember there is the theaatah, and there are the musical versions of goofy 1980’s movies.  Attend accordingly.

And just like that… it’s been two weeks since my last post!

It’s that time of year, right? On the one hand, the lazy days of Summer have started. On the other, there’s so damn much going on I’m not sure where lazy fits in.  Final projects, end of school parties, sleepovers, dance recitals and pre-K graduations, you catch my drift.

So yeah – school’s out! OK, wait. can we talk about this? Today is JUNE 01.  The kids, at least the ones down here in the South, have already been out of school a week. The way the school year has changed is mind-boggling.

When I was a kid, we started school the week before Labor Day. I remember it well because the Catholic schools started before everyone else, who started the Tuesday after Labor Day.  When you’re ten, starting five days before everyone else might as well be starting five weeks before everyone else.  The point is, we started school when Summer was actually OVER.

We went to school until late December. Yeah, we got off for Thanksgiving, and probably an in-service day or two. We didn’t have Fall Break. We got two weeks off at Christmas, and went back a few days into January.  We did get Spring Break, but there was no additional Winter Break (isn’t that what the two weeks in December are?!).

And then we always got out around June 10 (this was when it was fun to be at Catholic school because we did get out before everyone else!) at which point Summer was not yet brutally hot- but definitely pool-worthy.

Isn’t that what you all did? And isn’t that what still happens in the NorthEast?

I have no idea how over the years the calendar has morphed into what we have now.

Which is to start school the second week in August, and get out before Memorial Day. WHAT?  No one ever seems to be able to explain the reasoning behind this bizarro calendar.  For a while I thought maybe the powers that be were trying to trick us into that whole year-round calendar thing, but that trend seems to have just died (and honestly, I’m quite ok with that).

When I started this post, I didn’t really have a specific topic or point to prattle on about, I just wanted to post because I hadn’t in a while.

But now I’m super curious about school schedules in other parts of the country (clearly I’ve got the SouthEast and the NorthEast covered).  So do tell. Comment on what it is like where you live. Even BETTER! Comment on why we have this start in August end in May nightmare here in the South.